he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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