You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
