I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
