im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
