You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
