Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
