Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
