Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
