you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
