On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She announced her abortion via fbk
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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