your parents love me but you hate me
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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