i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
