Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
