Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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