Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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