I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
it's like iHOP with fire
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize