i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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