So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
