i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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