NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
