update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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