he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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