We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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