i just made my gag reflex go away.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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