Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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