One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
