I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
