I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
