If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize