dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
