I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
