My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
