Im at strip club and am horny
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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