when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
