I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
