I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
