margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
