my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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