You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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