I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize