How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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