So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize