My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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