she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
He kissed a someone with a penis
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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