the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
