This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
