Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
