I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
