any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
