Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
