Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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