Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
tell me about the fingering
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
