holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
