the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I am available for nakedness
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
