i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
