Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
