My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
