Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
