Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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