Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize