Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I will be naked everywhere
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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