i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
