I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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